The Rabid Injustice of Bike Shorts

It’s a sunny Sunday afternoon in Denver.  How you feeling about yourself, today?

Fit?  Toned?  Ready to show some skin if need be?

A word of advice from middle-aged man headquarters– do NOT ruin your mojo by trying on bike shorts.

Have you had this experience before?  Wow.  Talk about the great equalizer.

Bike shorts are made out of some high tech space age fiber that has two main purposes from what I can tell:  number 1 is to reduce friction and wind drag while riding, number 2 is to make your average guy look as BAD as humanly possible.

What looked like a somewhat angular body earlier in the day, now looks like a bowl of really white jello covered in saran wrap.

The padding in the shorts is making it look like I stuffed two baloney sandwiches and a dozen donuts into the back and like I’m trying to pass myself off as Ron Jeremy in the front.

I never even knew I had a “trunk” before and now there’s so much “junk” back there I feel like I should be in a Sir Mix A Lot video or something.

And while there’s a certain “lifting” sensation to bike shorts that any guy my age can appreciate, this is more than offset by the fact that every single cheese product and every single beer I’ve ever had in my life is now hanging dangerously over the belt line of the shorts casting a disturbingly broad and wobbly spandex shadow on the ground.  Small children walking around me have been cast into total darkness and are saying “Mommy, are we having an eclipse?”

All of a sudden I’ve turned into an insecure 14 year old again, standing in front of a dressing room mirror in bike shorts just BEGGING for validation of some kind.

So I turn to Ned, the guy from Campus Cycles who’s helping me gear up, and I say “Whaddya think, man?  Do these work or not?”

After turning his head slightly so as not to be struck blind right there on the spot, Ned said, “Uh…..honestly man…I’d really rather not comment……but on the upside, I don’t think it’s going to take you real long to shave your legs before you go cycling, but, you might want to pick up some sun screen while you’re here.”

Thank you, Ned.

Thank you, metabolism.

And thank YOU Lance Armstrong for making us think that EVERYONE looks cool in bike shorts.

 

 

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