The Celebrity Doppelganger Phenomenon

My friend Scott is the KING of the celebrity doppelganger phenomenon.

I say this because in all the times we’ve gotten together, he’s never once failed to say, “Dude…you know you look like?”

(Well, in the above picture I look like a weinie in a red suit coat.)

The best part?

He says I look like someone different. Every.  Single. Time.

Does this mean I’m some sort of generic-faced early 40’s white-boy chameleon?

Or does this mean Scott has already absorbed more than his lifetime daily requirement of pop culture?

Or perhaps, both?

Hmmm.

In any event, Scott’s ongoing doppelganger discourse led me to meander back over the many years of my life and piece together those moments in time when I actually looked like someone famous.

When I was 16, I looked exactly like Anthony Michael Hall’s character in 16 Candles.  In relative terms, this was almost as handy for picking up girls as having herpes and a face tattoo.

This is a little “pre-geek” phase for me, but a pre-teen just hanging out in a tree with his brother?  C’mon..that’s a SLAM DUNK.

After sliding oh so gracefully through my “geek” phase, I was fortunate enough to have poofy blonde hair and a large forehead in 1987, right about the exact same moment that bastard Bruce Hornsby STOLE my damn look.  Mandolin Rain my ASS.

Caption:  “Dropped favorite one-hitter in sand…must find it before parents arrive at beach.…”

Most of my early college years were spent drinking Buckhorn beer and watching old movies on new-fangled VCR technology with a collection of fellow-misfit white boy dorks.  It was these same dorks who came to the conclusion while watching the Sean Penn film “Bad Boys” that I looked EXACTLY like the asshole character, The Viking.

From geek to asshole in 4 short years.  YES! I friggin’ RULE!

When I moved to Seattle in 1991 the tween drama “Beverly Hills 90210″ was at the absolute peak of its popularity and though you’ll think I’m making it up, I actually had a collection of 14 year old girls stop me in the grocery store and ASK ME FOR MY AUTOGRAPH because I looked frighteningly like cast-member Steve.

(Let me state for the record that this was not NEARLY as scary as when a GROWN FRIGGINMAN stopped me on the street and asked me if I was Ian Michael Ziering, aka Steve’s real name.  Dude, if you’re a grown man and you’re still reading Tiger Beat you might as well just turn yourself in on molestation charges and save the cops the time.)

Here in the mod’run age, some intense computer nerd has (of course) created an application that actually analyzes your picture and tells you which celebrities you look most like.  (Should you not have a friend like Scott to do the doppelganger work for you, click here to access this free app.)

So, I entered this picture into the doppelganger machine:

And here’s what came out:

Paul Michael Glaser, of Starsky and Hutch fame.  Admittedly, it’s a stretch, but as long as I don’t look like a Beverly Hills 90210 cast member I’m feeling like this is an upgrade.

My second look alike, according to the fancy pants computer generated comparison?  Kiefer Sutherland.

Surly, tatto’d, chain smoking Canadian with a penchant for getting kicked out of strip clubs?  Daaaaaamn.…I’m getting WAY cooler and WAY more dangerous as I age.

And just when I think I’ve finally left my awkward youth behind, the dark and lonely nights of staggering through life looking like.….Bruce Hornsby.….what does the celebrity doppelganger spit out as my next celeb look alike?

Sheryl Fucking Crow.

Question: Is it better, as a full grown MAN, to look like a hot middle aged FEMALE celebrity who has never had an original musical thought in her life and doesn’t sing so much as she does warble OR is it better to look like an older, balder version of the Geek in 16 Candles?

I believe this is what they call a lose-lose-friggin’-LOSE proposition.

Note to self:  Remember to get blue contact lenses, run clothes iron over face, and finally, dye eyebrows white.  Very, very white.…

3 Comments

  • Aunt Buddy wrote:

    Mike, you are so great and I loved seeing the old pictures! Is the beach pic from Virgina Beach Reunion? Hope JoJo is feeling better? Love ya! Aunt Buddy

  • OMG, even in the 80’s Brian was dressing way cooler than the rest of you guys! Were those bathing suits on a sale rack at the Dollar Store?

  • I know you’re trying to pull our attention away from it, but you’ll always look like 1984 Anthony Michael Hall.

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