About 1 o’clock Tuesday morning the wife woke me up from a sound sleep to tell me that a thunderstorm had knocked out the power to our house which meant my alarm clocks wasn’t going to work. And when you get up at 3 in the morning, this sort of thing can be disastrous.
Here in the 21st Century, everything is digital and plugged in. We don’t have a stock pile of those old Ozzie and Harriet style analog alarm clocks anywhere in my house and since I didn’t trust myself to just wake up automatically at 3am I was sorta stuck until I remembered that my cell phone has an alarm function on it. A HA! So, off I trudged to the kitchen to fetch the cell phone.
Now, in my defense, it’s 1:15 in the morning, I’m half asleep and FULLY annoyed so I’m not exactly focused on the task at hand but here’s a quick list of things I discovered my cell phone can do while trying to figure out how to set the wake up alarm:
It’s got a calendar, a calculator, several video games including Tetris and Pac Man and a function that removes red-eye from saved pictures. Who knew?
It also has 200 speed dial settings which I don’t ever remember actually programming so in my haste to find the alarm function, I accidentally called my boss AND my dentist at 1am. Nice.
In randomly pushing buttons I discovered both a mobile IM AND a chat option and I considered using one of them to get in touch with someone at Verizon to ask WHERE THE WAKE UP ALARM SETTING IS but even half asleep that didn’t seem like a good idea.
Turns out my cell phone shoots video so I got some nice footage of my knees. And last but not least, with the accidental push of two measly buttons I discovered that I can change the read out on my phone so that ALL the characters and numbers appear in Mandarin Chinese.
Unfortunately, this would be helpful only if the Mandarin Chinese words for “Set Alarm Clock” are, in fact, “Set Alarm Clock”.
So 25 minutes later I FINALLY find the alarm setting but now I’ve broken out in some sort of flop sweat and I’m too upset to go back to sleep so I lay there for 90 minutes staring at the ceiling until I doze off at 2:57. And it’s a good thing I only DOZED off because after all that work, the damn stupid damn cell phone alarm clock could very well have been the single QUIETEST noise I’ve ever heard in my life.
Apparently I sent the alarm sound to “fly landing softly on rice paper 200 yards away” or something.
Maybe next time the power goes out, I’ll just save myself the trouble and use my cell phone to call in sick.
I’m pretty sure I know how to do that.
Even in Mandarin Chinese.