In the last 25 years, I’ve lived in 4 different states and had approximately 12 different mailing addresses and yet, no matter where I go, the folks who send out the alumni newsletters slash donation solicitations from my alma mater ALWAYS seem to find me.
In the times I’ve bothered to look through these newsletters, I can’t help but notice that many of my old classmates make monthly submissions with personal announcements to let everyone how great things are going in their lives.
They made partner at the law firm. Or wrote a New York Times best seller. Or won a grammy award. Or bought a new SUV. Or had their teeth whitened. Or what-EVER.
Call me callous, but it seems like every single person I ever knew in school is amazingly rich, amazingly successful, amazingly talented, and even better looking than they were 25 years ago.
I myself have never sent any kind of update for the alumni newsletter, but after putting some thought into the matter and realizing just how high the bar has been set, I drafted a little something I plan on submitting….and here it is:
After his post college years working as a test pilot, an underwear model and a contract alligator wrestler, Mike Casey joined the Peace Corps where he single-handedly built a 64 room hospital using only popsicle sticks, gumbands and elephant dung.
After returning to the States, Mike took his last hundred dollars and bought stock in several fledgling tech companies.
Unlike all you other chumps, he sold his options at the absolute peak of the market just before the tech bubble burst and walked away with 11 gazillion dollars.
Being the charitable guy he is, Mike immediately donated 10 gazillion of those dollars to worthy organizations like The Salvation Army and the Pittsburgh Steelers and then built himself a dream house by hand, using only popsicle sticks, gumbands, and elephant dung.
With the help of a cutting edge hair transplant, a personal trainer, and a top shelf plastic surgeon, Mike looks nothing at all like the tall, dorky, pale guy with the curly hair you remember from school. In fact, he looks EXACTLY like Brad Pitt now.
Say what you want, but his wife likes it.
After winning the Tour De France, curing restless leg syndrome, developing the hybrid car, and performing several classified missions for certain unnamed government organizations, Mike moved to a big money exclusive Colorado suburb known as…..Denver…where he lives today with his trophy wife and 3 children who are all exceptionally bright, exceptionally coordinated, and exceptionally good looking.
See ya at the next reunion……LOSERS!
The only downside I can see here is that if I DO send this in to my alma mater, they’re REALLY gonna be after me for money, but at this point I’m willing to risk it.
After all, what else would you expect from a guy who single-handedly built a 64 room hospital using only popsicle sticks, gumbands and elephant dung?