How about a nice Screwdriver Salad?

My brother Brian recently moved from Minneapolis to Denver.

If you’ve ever undertaken a cross-country move you know that even under the best of circumstances it provides any number of logistical challenges.

In his case, he’s been commuting back and forth for about a month now in addition to regular travel for his job so getting through a day of his life requires the 3 F’s: footnotes, flexibility, and a flow chart complete with diagrams, and reminders, and 8x10 color glossies with circles and arrows on the back and so on.

Just a few days ago, a swarm of professional movers showed up at his house in Minneapolis to pack up seven years worth of stuff and get ready to put it on the truck headed for Denver.

According to Brian, his house was like Grand Central that whole day.  2 or 3 packers in every room, phones ringing off the hook, people asking questions about what goes where.  At one point he gave up trying to work in his home office and actually sat in his car for an hour answering emails via his iphone.  Which is an impressive use of time management skills.  But disturbing none the less.

By the time the packers got done with phase I of his house, they’d been there for like 12 hours and with all the hub-bub going on, it hadn’t occurred to Brian until that very moment that he hadn’t eaten a damn thing all day.

So he heads off to a restaurant up the street from his house to purchase a big old salad with the plan being to head home, eat the salad, and promptly go to sleep.

Unfortunately, upon returning to his house with his giant salad, it occurs to him that since the movers spent all day packing up his stuff he has no silverware with which to eat.

None.  Nada.  Zip. Zilch.

After scanning all the drawers of his house, Brian manages to find a screw driver and for a brief moment he considers cleaning it off and using that to eat his salad.

Despite his hunger, I guess eating a salad with a screw driver seemed a wee bit too desperate for him so he continued searching until he found one half of a piece of pita bread in his fridge which he now decides is his best option for a make-shift fork.

In reality, it’s more like a shovel than a fork but you get the idea.

Now, as you’re picturing this in your mind, remember that other than spilling the salad all over yourself the single biggest challenge in using pita bread as a fork is that you MUST repeatedly put the pita bread into your mouth while simultaneously resisting the temptation to EAT the pita bread lest you find yourself with half a salad still to eat and no pita bread with which to eat it.

Okay, so it’s not Dante’s inferno or anything but it’s an exercise in temptation none the less.

And I realize you don’t actually know my brother but if you can envision a high powered business executive who dresses to the 9’s and lives an ultra-organized life, sitting on a milk crate in his empty house trying to eat a giant salad covered in French dressing with half a piece of pita bread I think you’ll understand why I find the story so goddamned funny.

You ever seen that show Man Vs. Wild on the Discovery Channel?  The host purposely strands himself in a remote wilderness somewhere and then survives by eating bugs and sticks and rotting meat, he builds fires using only a shoelace a pie pan and a rock, and stays warm by smearing himself with elephant dung or something similarly dramatic.

I gotta admit it’s pretty entertaining.

Based on my brother’s recent experiences, I’m presently sketching out an idea for a new TV show that I may pitch to the Discovery Channel.

I think I’ll call it “Dork Vs. Salad”.

Should be a big hit.

Look for it on your color TV come Fall 2011.

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