I really hate garage sales.
I hate going to ‘em and I hate having ‘em.
If I really wanted to know how much money I’ve spent on useless stuff in my life or wanted people to rifle through my drawers placing a dollar value on my possessions, I’d just have an accounting firm come do an assessment, ya know?
So when Anne told me she wanted to have a garage sale last Sunday to help my brother get rid of some leftover stuff from his move, I only said two things:
#1– go for it, babe. I’ll watch the kids and
#2– DON’T bring a bunch of CRAP that didn’t sell back to OUR house cuz there ain’t no room for it unless you want to get rid of one of the kids.
So, what did I find stacked up in my basement and my garage Monday morning?
6 gigantic boxes full of bright orange promotional shaving kits leftover from my brother’s time as a pharmaceutical sales rep.
Apparently when I used the words “CRAP that didn’t sell” I wasn’t quite clear enough.
Here is the dialog that ensued upon my discovery of said bright orange promotional shaving kits:
Mike: “Hey, what’s with all these boxes in my basement and garage?”
Anne: “There’s some good stuff in there. Each one of these kits has a brand new travel tooth paste, shaving cream, shampoo, conditioner, skin lotion and tooth brushes. I’m gonna sell them at our next garage sale.”
Mike: “Check me if I’m wrong, but didn’t they FAIL to sell at yesterday’s garage sale? If they were such a hot item would we really be stockpiling the leftovers all over our house?”
Anne: “I think maybe I just didn’t market them effectively.”
Mike: “Tell you what– while you’re re-assessing your marketing strategy, I’ll be taking all two hundred FORTY of these kits over to the Salvation Army to donate.”
Anne: “Well, at least let me take all the tooth paste and shampoo out of them first. You’re always after me to save money. Just think how much all this stuff is worth!”
Mike: “Babe, here’s the thing: The retail value of a little teeny tiny tube of tooth paste is about 26 cents. The shampoo might be worth 30 cents if you travel very regularly but neither of us do. And the bright orange shaving kits are so ugly that I don’t even think the Salvation Army is going to take ‘em. Saving money means not going out to dinner 4 nights a week or buying another 11 pair of black shoes that all look the same to me.”
So Anne gives me that wife look and says, “Okay. Fine. Can I have a hundred bucks?”
I said, “A Hundred bucks? Why?”
She said, “Cuz I gotta go buy toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, skin lotion and soap for you and your 3 children.”
Touche, wife. Touche.