Casey’s Rules of Golf
Given the choice between a free round of golf and a lengthy bout of ulcerative colitis, it should be noted that a staggeringly high percentage of folks would actually choose the latter.
If this statement makes absolutely no sense to you, then clearly you’ve never played the game of golf. Or at least you’ve never played it as poorly as I have.
A wise old man once told me that if you want to consistently shoot below a hundred you have to golf at least twice a week. If you want to break 90 on a regular basis you have to play at least 3 times a week. And if you want to break 80 on a regular basis you need to play 5 times a week in addition to having loads of god given ability and possibly a golf coach too.
I think this was his idea of a joke.
And I probably would’ve laughed harder if I hadn’t already found it to be so very sadly true.
This is another way of saying I’m not much of a threat to the golf legacy of Ben Hogan.
Come to think of it I’m not even much of a threat to the golf legacy of Hulk Hogan.
I figure if I make it through a round with a couple balls left in my bag and a ratio of one good shot for every two bad shots, I’m doing alright.
Having admitted that upfront I suppose it’s more than a bit self-righteous of me to sit high upon an imaginary pedestal and offer instructions to my fellow golfers both good and bad, but that’s exactly what I’m about to do.
And honestly, no matter your skill level, I believe implementing these suggestions could drastically improve everyone’s chances of enjoying the game of golf.
For lack of a better name, let’s call them “Casey Rules of Golf”. Shall we?
- Unless you’re actually playing IN Scotland, do not wear plaid. Not pants. Not a cap. And definitely not socks. You’re not doing anyone any favors with that kind of fashion choice, my man. Especially for the rest of us in your four-some who already struggle mightily NOT to look like ass-clowns on the course.
- I know Tiger Woods can hit a 9 iron 168 yards around the trees, over the gallery, and stick it within 4 feet of the pin but you, my friend, are no Tiger Woods. If you get in a tight spot, go ahead and hit it back into the fairway. You’ll thank me later.
- I’m fine with the 1 mulligan per 9 holes rule but I think there should also be a 1 line from the movie Caddyshack per 9 rule as well. It’s a brilliant movie but unless you’re Bill Murray or Chevy Chase, you should take it upon yourself to come up with your own funny lines.
- If you’re in my group, I’m happy for you if you’re playing well but chances are good, I’m not. So don’t walk me through every single shot in your round as it’s happening like a bush league version of Jim Nance. If I wanna know what you’re laying, what your handicap is, or what club you hit on the last hole, I’ll ask.
- Golf legend Chi Chi Rodriguez used to hustle for money when he was a kid by playing against grown men using only a soda bottle and a putter for an entire round. Think about that the next time you shank a tee shot and tell everyone that your six thousand dollar driver is a suck-ass lousy club. We all hit bad shots and it’s generally because we’re not very good at golf. The sooner you admit that, the better off you’ll be.
- A weekend golfer should grab a handful of grass and toss it up in the air to check the wind direction IF, and only IF, he’s trying to get a laugh out of the rest of his four some. If that’s not your intent, leave the grass tossing to the pros because nothing will make you look sillier faster than skulling a worm burner 4-iron shot that never gets more than 8 inches off the ground just moments AFTER you checked the wind direction.
- No one likes to play behind a group that’s slow and it’s perfectly fine to ask to play through if they’re holding you up but don’t hit into the group in front of you. It’s the sporting equivalent of tailgating. If you’re in that big of a hurry, take up a different sport. Like bungee jumping. Or race car driving. Or being shot out of a cannon at the circus.
- Unless you’re actually on the PGA tour, it doesn’t take 30 minutes to line up a putt and 1 practice swing should pretty much cover you. Golf may be a thinking persons sport, but nothing will ruin your game faster than thinking too much. Line it up, and hit it, Einstein.
- When it comes to beer, playing golf is a lot like playing pool. The correct number of beers may improve your game dramatically. One more beer than that and the whole thing falls apart. Keep that in mind when the cute girl in the beer cart starts following your four some from hole to hole. She doesn’t think you’re cute, she isn’t impressed with your “game” and she ain’t doing you any favors, pal.
- Finally, as the great American humorist Mark Twain once said, “Golf is a good walk, spoiled.” Think how much agony he would’ve saved himself if he’d just gotten a cart.