5 Important Things I Learned At Disney World

Anyone That Happy Has Gotta Be On Something

News came down this week that after 41 years as alcohol-free facilities, Disney World and Disney Land are going to allow alcohol to be served at their new “Be Our Guest” Restaurant, but only during the dinner hours.


After offering my own cherry “Huzzah!” to this news, I was reminded of a Disney trip we did a few years ago and the lessons I learned therein.


Here they are:


  1. According to public record, the only person ever denied entry to Disneyland was Soviet Premier Nikita Kruschev.  At the 11th hour Walt Disney and the LAPD decided they couldn’t guarantee his security in the park and so he was turned away.  Historians indicate this may have led directly to his shoe-banging outburst at the U.N. wherein he threatened to bury the United States.  I think my daughter had roughly the same response when I refused to stand in line for two hours to get Cinderella’s autograph.


  1. At lunchtime on our first day in the park I paid 67 dollars for 6 hot dogs, 6 bags of chips, and 6 drinks.  67 dollars!  It may be a small world after-all, but that doesn’t mean it it’s a cheap world.  This gave me an idea for a new Disneyland Ride…I call it “Honey, They Shrunk My Wallet!”



  1. During our visit and for the entire history of Disney World/Disney Land, neither gum nor alcohol were sold there.  While I appreciated not having to scrape gum off the bottom of my shoes during my visit, after 2 straight days of hearing “It’s a Small World After All” I would’ve paid about 12,000 dollars for a cold beer.


  1. My wife celebrated a birthday while we were in Disneyland and since I wanted to do something special for her, I asked Mickey Mouse if he’d give her a lap dance. Apparently, no one other than me found this funny.  After a rather lengthy conversation with park security I discovered that visitors are NOT free to interpret the term “Fantasy Land” however they may choose.



  1. After spending 10 straight hours at Disneyland , the kids were exhausted and whiney, the wind had whipped up and it was starting to get cold, and unfortunately, after walking around in circles for 30 minutes or so it became obvious that I didn’t have the slightest idea where I’d parked the car.

This is how I discovered that the single most dangerous ride at Disneyland isn’t Space Mountain, or the Matterhorn.  Not even close.

The most dangerous ride at Disneyland is called “Dad forgot where he parked” ride and once you’re on this ride, there ain’t NO gettin’ off it until you’ve made stops in “Bitch Moan and Complain Land”, “Cold-Shoulder Land”, “Precipice of Divorce Land” and finally, “It’s a Frigid World After All” land.


On the upside, this is the ONLY ride in Disneyland where you won’t have to wait in line.

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