Other than sporting events, I tend to not be a real big TV watcher.
Maybe it’s because life just seems to get really busy when you have 3 little kids or maybe it’s because whenever I do turn on the TV I end up scrolling through 400 channels of bad sit-coms, 1 sided political “talk shows”, and infomercials telling me how to eliminate my love handles in just 8 seconds a day.
Isn’t it presumptuous to think that I have an extra 8 seconds a day? And what makes you think I don’t enjoy my love handles? You know what I mean?
Whenever I turn on the TV I just end up getting frustrated that I’m actually paying good money to my provider for this entertainment wasteland and 10 minutes later, I’ve turned the thing off and have started composing angry letters to television executives that generally start with the phrase “Dear Moron…”
And of course, nothing good can really come of that.
In my life, there is one lone exception to this rule and here it is: I will watch anything on the Discovery Channel, no matter what it is.
I once sat through a two part series on the migration habits of the European Dung Beetle. This was one of many moments when Anne was absolutely sure her life had officially hit rock bottom. Despite the fact that there are MANY moments to choose from, she may have been right about that.
Earlier this week there was a show on Discovery about Sharks. Now that’s my idea of MUST SEE TV.
Here are 4 things I learned while watching
1. Great White Sharks can go as long as 3 months without eating. Look for the new “Great White Shark Diet!” book in stores near you. The very last chapter is entitled “Eat Something Large While It’s Still Moving”.
2. Sharks can generate about six and a half tons per square inch of biting force. The average wife, if provoked, can generate about 6 and a half tons per square inch of bitching force. If it’s up to me, I’m taking my chances with the shark.
3. Shark whoopee lasts about 5 minutes, which sounds like a pretty good run to me. Lighting the cigarette afterward takes significantly longer.
4. During mating season, multiple male sharks converge on a single female with only one lucky dude shark being picked the “winner”. During the act of mating, the male shark must continue to fend off the other potential suitors who apparently just aren’t taking “no” for an answer.
You think you know performance anxiety? Unless you’re a shark, you don’t know the first thing about it.
See, that’s the Discovery Channel: entertaining AND informative.
So all you high level muckety-mucks in TV land?
You’re officially on notice.
More shows on sharks, less infomercials about my love handles.
Or else I start up the letter writing campaign again.
And believe me when I say, no one wants that.